Weekly Word - March 1, 2010

Weekly Word - March 1, 2010

“For I am the Lord your God, . . .
Since you were precious in My sight,
You have been honored,
And I have loved you.”
(Isaiah 43: 3b & 4)

“I love you too, bye honey” were the words I heard before I hung up the phone. I have heard those words for many years, but these days they seem to touch my heart and comfort my being. As I hear them, for just an instant, everything seems alright. And then, just as quickly, I begin to wonder how much longer I will hear them. How long will it be, before they are gone - - - forever . . .

“Since you were precious in My sight, . . .
And I have loved you.”

Over the years, I have become somewhat of a “collector”. I don’t go out of my way to buy them; but I have all sorts of knick-knacks that are important to me. I have porcelain teddy bears that were given to me by Norma. I have tea cups, crystal pieces, and even cards that are memories and gifts from friends and family. The collections I keep, are those that have special meaning to my life. And then there are the “messages” I have kept over the years. “Messages” that were left on my answering machine. They are the voices of my past - messages of love that I have tried to keep . . .

Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above . . .
(James 1:17)

I guess the very first message I kept was from Norma. She would call me every night from the hospital - those last few weeks - and we would talk into the night. The conversations were about anything - and everything. One evening I came home to find my machine blinking, and when I hit the button - I heard her voice. I hit “delete” and called her right away. As we talked, I listened to her soft voice and wondered - when would be our last conversation? How long would it be before I never heard her voice again? As I thought about these questions, I realized that I had deleted her voice from my machine. What if she never called me again?

She called me a few days later. Her voice was much weaker, and the words were soft on my machine. She said a few words and then - “I love you - bye”. I saved those words for over a year, after she passed away. Whenever I felt alone and needed to hear her voice, I would hit the button - and there she would be! And then I needed to move. My daughter had started college, and I had decided to move to an apartment where I was ministering. My phone was the last thing to be moved to the new place. With boxes everywhere, I searched for my phone to plug it in. As I did, the message button started blinking. I hit it, and a zero filled the square. Nothing! No messages! As I sat there crying, I didn’t know what to do. My best friend - - - was truly gone . . .

“Do not fear, . . . I have called you by name; . . .
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.”
(Isaiah 43: 1 & 2)

Over the years, I have had a life full of moments and memories. Moments full of life, joy, hope - and also of healing. Some bits of memories I have been able to hang on to - - - to keep in my hands. But others - - - I have had to store away in my heart . . .

Love . . . Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, . . .
(1 Corinthians 13: 7)

At this moment, I have quite a few messages that I have saved on my phone. When I hit play - I can hear my husband’s voice telling me that he loves me. I have one message that is from my son, when his first daughter was very small, and both of them called to wish me a “Merry Christmas”! My daughter’s happy voice is on there - saying she loves me. They are all there. I have somehow saved them through the years. But there was one message - one that I tried to save - and then accidentally - - - I erased it . . .

Love . . . Bears all things - believes all things - hopes all things -
endures all things . . .

It was May - not quite Mother’s Day - when my brother told me he would not be able to take care of mom at his home any more. It was something that I knew was going to happen - but it was still difficult to deal with. Mom was going to need to be put in a nursing home. Her disease had made things more difficult and unsafe at the house. Mom was forgetting what she was doing, and she had already left the house a few times - in the middle of the night! So two days before Mother’s Day, with Ted’s help - we took mom to a nursing home up in Massachusetts. The drive was terrible, with mom going between crying and sitting silently staring out the window. That day - well - it was one of the worst days of my life. I struggled with so many emotions! I had over 50 years of memories - some good - and some that hurt - inside of my heart. I wanted to do what was right - but I also knew that my mother couldn’t understand all the hurts and losses she was feeling that day. She had lost my dad only months earlier, and her disease was already taking her memories from her. Now - - - she was losing the last shred of any “home” she had ever known . . .

Love . . . Endures all things . . .

To my surprise, it only took a few weeks for mom to settle into the home. She seemed to get along with the staff as well as the patients. It was the nursing home she had worked at for years, and so her nursing skills seemed to help her - as she kept busy helping the aides and nurses there. I visited her a lot - taking her for walks and even to the store now and then. And then one day- about a month later - I had a message on my machine. I had just gotten from work, and the light was blinking. When I looked at the number, I realized that it was from the nursing home. Swallowing hard, I hit “play”. To my surprise, it was my mom’s voice! She spoke haltingly, but said that she was going on an outing and would be gone for the afternoon. And then she said “OK, bye” and hung up. It was a short message - but it was a call from my mom. I hadn’t gotten one of those in over a year! Her disease had made that type of thing almost impossible for her to do. So I knew the nurses must have helped her make the call. But it didn’t matter - my mom’s voice was on my machine!

I kept that message - skipping over it as I would listen to each new message as it came in. I continued to visit, and mom started to write little letters to me. In them, she would talk about her children, or walking outside at the home. Sometimes she knew who she was writing to - and sometimes not! But I kept the letters anyways. I knew that inside of me - I was struggling with how I felt about my mom. I had grown up with a mom who yelled all the time, hit when she was angry (and she seemed angry a lot), and just put fear inside of a little girl. As a teen, I did what most of us did - I rebelled! And at 18, I was married. My relationship with my mom, was strained - at best . . .

When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; . . . For now we see in a mirror dimly -
But then - - - face to face . . .
(1 Corinthians 13: 11 & 12)

There is a saying - “Time heals all wounds”. What I know, is that with time - and the Lord - many of my wounds have been healed.

I kept that message for months, always making sure that I skipped over it when I listened to the new messages that I would get. Then one day, short on time, I pushed the buttons to hear my new messages. As I hit “skip” I counted out my saved messages. I had a few that I loved to keep. When I was done with all the messages, I realized that I had one less than I usually did. With a sinking heart, I started to play my messages - the ones I had saved. I heard Ted, and Jenny, and Mike - I even heard my grandbabies. But there was one voice missing - - - my mom’s . . .

Love is patient, and love is kind, . . . It is not jealous; and does not brag . . .
(it) bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; . . .

My mom’s voice is no longer on my phone. But I still get to hear her almost every day. When I call her, I know that she may not remember who I am. But I call, and I chat, and I tell her stories. As she laughs and giggles, she starts to remember - and I smile knowing for that moment - I am her daughter. And then I tell her I love her. “I love you too” she says “Bye honey”. And then my mom hangs up. My mom calls me “honey”! She loves me, and I know it! For so many years I wondered . . . But now - I know . . .

Love never fails; . . .

Over the years, I have collected memories and moments that are special in my life. Some moments were of pure joy and happiness. Others though, were times of learning and growing - healing that came about in my heart.

I wasn’t able to keep Norma’s voice on my machine. But her soft voice and love have stayed with me - in my heart. I still have the very first little teddy bear she gave me. When I turn it over, this is what it says: “Kiss the Hurt and Make it Well”. It is a lesson that I constantly learn. The Lord continues to heal my hurts - and He continues to make my life - - - healthy and “well!”

It is my hope and prayer, that each of you will take each day, each moment - and allow the Lord to make memories of life and healing in them. When we love - we will always face moments of loss and sadness. But with God’s help - we can make moments that are truly full of life and love - - - moments that will last - forever . . .

“For I know the plans that I have for you” declares the Lord, “Plans for welfare and not for calamity - to give you a future and a hope.”
(Jeremiah 29: 11)

God bless you as you face each, and may we meet back again here - very soon!

In His Love,

Debbie & Ted Ayers