For I hope in Thee, O Lord . . .

Weekly Word - July 31, 2009

For I hope in Thee, O Lord; Thou wilt answer, O lord my God.
(Psalm 38: 15)

It always surprises me, the way a sound, smell, or sight of something can bring back such strong memories! They seem to pop up at you - when you least expect them. And when they do, time seems to stop - and the emotions that are held in that moment - just seem to fill your being. Lately, those emotions and memories have sometimes overwhelmed me - making me wonder how to get on with my life . . .

For I hope in Thee, O Lord; . . .

It was another day of visiting mom. I had brought her laundry back, as well as a few treats to make her smile. She loved to get pictures and note cards, as well as a few cookies that I knew she would hide for later on. As she looked at the pictures, she went and got her scotch tape. Mom loved to put pictures on walls. She loved to put them on anything! Mom put pictures of flowers, birds, and anything that caught her attention - all around her room. It seemed to make her happy, and so I just smiled as she showed me the new flowers she had decorated her light with. This was my mom’s room.

On this day, the sun was shining and so we headed outside for a walk. She always asked the same question - “do you know the code?” - and I would nod as I hit the numbers that would open the door. Outside, we headed up toward the little park that was on the grounds. As we walked, we talked about whatever came to mind. Mom would ask how things were, and I always found a story to tell her. Mom would laugh as I told her how I forgot to add detergent to the laundry, or if I told her a funny story about the grandbabies. We walked and talked, sometimes laughing - and sometimes just sharing the sunshine. There were flowers to look at, and trees all around. And it seemed good just to get outside with mom. When we finished our walk, we sat under the gazebo - talking some more. Mom would ask questions, and I would answer them - again and again. But somehow, that seemed alright. Then it was time to go in. As I left, mom hugged me and kissed me - telling me how glad she was that I had come. I hugged her back and told her that it made me happy to be there - and then I would leave. Walking out the front door, I knew what I needed to do. I walked a few steps and looked up. There she was, waving in the window - yelling “bye” through the small opening. I waved and yelled back - “I love you mom!” And I continued to wave the entire time I walked toward my car. Finally, mom and her room were out of sight - and I got inside my car and swallowed hard. It was finally time to drive home . . .

But as for me, I will hope continually, . . .
(Psalms 71: 14)

As I drove home that day, I let my mind wander. I thought about my husband and his work, hoping he was having a good day. I thought about my children and grandchildren. I even thought about the laundry and errands I needed to do - I just didn’t want to think about mom. And then I saw it! It was so tall, and not very wide - - - “mom’s tree”! Right then, I found myself remembering back to one of the first times I learned about that tree. A time just over a year ago, when dad was still alive . . .

Ted and I had offered to take my mom and dad to see The Rose Garden here in our small city. Dad had been suffering with a lot of pain for a few weeks before, and so I wasn’t sure we could actually make the trip with them. But both mom and dad wanted to go, so we went. As we drove, mom sat in the back seat with me. She seemed so excited to be going with us. She kept tapping dad on the shoulder, asking questions and commenting on things. It was one of those taps when she said: “there it is - my tree!” Dad nodded and said: “yup, that’s your tree”. I have to admit, I just looked at the two of them kind of strange. “Your tree mom?” I asked. She didn’t seem to notice me as she kept saying “my tree!” “my tree!” and waving at it as we drove by. As soon as we were out of sight of the tree though, mom sat back and started talking about something else. And so I quickly let the subject drop. Soon, we were at the Rose Garden.

The day turned out to be a beautiful, sunny day. The roses were blooming everywhere, and my dad had a wonderful time taking pictures of everything. Mom happily pushed him in the wheelchair, and soon Mike, Kelly and their children came as well. There was laughter and beauty - everywhere. I took pictures of the kids and my parents. I took pictures of all the flowers. It was just one of those wonderful days! The scent of roses filled the air, and everyone seemed so happy. And then it was time to leave. As Mike helped Ted to get my dad into the car, I could see the pain etched on my father’s face. The drive home was a lot quieter. And then “mom’s tree” came into view. “There it is!” mom said. And everyone laughed for just that moment. Dad nodded and mom smiled - and I realized that for whatever reason - that had become “mom’s tree”!

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; . . .”
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you . . .”
(Isaiah 43: 1 & 2)

Little did I know that day, just how many times I would see that tree - or how many memories it would be a part of . . .

“Do not fear, for I am with you; . . .”
(Isaiah 43: 5)

“Do not fear, . . .” I have to admit - I was full of fear as we faced the next few months. Within two weeks of our trip to the rose garden, dad was having surgery. The cancer was in his leg and pelvic bones, and the doctors weren’t sure if he would even survive the surgery. But he did. And so we began taking mom to visit him - in the hospital and then the nursing home. Dad battled to recover from surgery. He battled the cancer that was still in his bones, and he even battled sepsis in his blood stream. Mom fought with the rest of us. It was such a struggle to keep mom safe and well fed, while worrying about our dad. The days that I traveled from Connecticut to Massachusetts became a blur. As I drove on that highway - most days I didn’t even notice the tall tree standing there. When I did notice it, a small smile always seemed to come, as I remembered back to that one sunny day.

After weeks, and even months - Dad wanted to go home. He wanted to be with my mom. But he was so sick, and mom’s memory had gotten so much worse - none of us were even sure of what to do. That’s when my youngest brother offered his home at the cape. Dad loved the idea, and a plan was put in place. The day dad was discharged from the nursing home - with all their clothes packed - my parents headed for the cape with my brother. It was September, and the leaves were turning bright colors - as the air was getting colder. For over a week, my brother and his family took mom and dad to beaches, and lighthouses, and so many wonderful places. They took pictures and went out to eat. But each night, my brother sat up with my dad - as my father struggled with the pain that seemed to be getting so much worse. As days went by, my brother could see that my dad was dying. Soon, we knew that dad needed much more care than what he could get at Wayne’s. And again, we wondered what to do . . .

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you . . .”
“Since you are precious in my sight, . . . You are honored and I love you,”
(Isaiah 43: 2 & 4)

To this day, I am not quite sure how it happened - but a room opened up at a nursing home! It was for both my parents! My dad would get his wish to be with my mom, and they would both get the care they needed.

I guess we all hoped and prayed that my parents would be in that room - at least for a while. We hoped that it would help mom get used to living there. But that didn’t happen. On October 13, 2008, only 8 days after they moved there, my dad died. We all sobbed and held each other, as we said our good-byes. Mom held his hand and talked to him, as she said: “he’s gone, he’s gone” and cried. And then my mom looked at us, “what am I going to do?” she asked. At that moment, I wasn’t sure what to say or do. “I can’t stay here!” she cried, as she headed toward her bureau and her clothes. She was shaking from head to toe - grabbing underwear and socks - looking for a place to put them. At that moment, my heart just broke for my mom. “I can‘t stay here” she said again, sitting down in a chair - sobbing and crying. “I know mom” I told her. And at that moment, I told my brother that I would take her with me. And so I did. I asked the nurses for her meds, and tried to help her pack some things. Everything seemed like such a blur, as we said goodbye to my dad, and finally left.

As I drove home that evening, mom seemed to doze in the car. Every once in a while she would look at me and cry. I would squeeze her hand and tell her that everything would be alright. But truthfully, I wasn’t sure of anything. My heart was pounding in my chest and I didn’t know what to think or say. And then I saw it! Mom was already pointing, as we came up to that tree. It stood there tall and strong, and I just looked at it - - - and then at mom. She didn’t say a word - and I didn’t either . . .

“When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.

For I am the Lord your God,”
(Isaiah 43: 2b & 3a)

“Mom’s Tree” - it was there when we took my parents to see the roses. It was there when I traveled back and forth over all those months, and it was there when my dad passed away. It was even there over the next few months - as mom would come for a visit. She was living with my brother Wayne, but came to my house once a month. Each time she came, we would go to Massachusetts to visit with her friends there. As we drove, we always saw that tree. Mom would point it out and laugh, waving to it as we drove. I would laugh and ask her questions about it - but I never really found out how she first started to believe it was “her tree”.

“When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, . . .

And then it was there - - - one more time . . .

Wayne had called and told me that we needed to search for a nursing home for mom. She was getting up in the night, and even though they had put locks on every door - she had figured out how to get outside. She wasn’t safe, and we needed to find her somewhere else to live. Again - I wondered what to do.

Over the next few days I made lots of phone calls. Soon, the same nursing home that mom and dad were in before - said they had a room available. They needed some paperwork done, and doctor’s reports - but they would take mom. I made a phone call to my brother, telling him that very soon mom would have a room. As we talked, he told me he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep her. Things were difficult in the house, and his stress level had reached it’s peak. I told him it wouldn’t be long, but he didn’t seem able to wait much longer. I pushed for the paperwork and reports to get done, as my brother kept calling me. I told him two more days, but he couldn’t wait. He decided to bring mom to my house that very next day.

“Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.”
“I will strengthen you, . . . Surely I will help you.”
(Isaiah 41: 10)

I have to admit, my insides were shaking as I brought mom into my house that day. She smiled and asked what we would be doing. I told her I didn’t know. As my brother hugged our mother and turned to leave, I know that inside of me - I wanted to scream at him! He was leaving her - and she had no clue that it was forever. I’m sure some curse words were rolling around in my head that day, as I put on a smile and took mom to the park.

We went to the same park that the rose garden was in. We walked around the little lake there, and I took pictures of mom with some of the flowers. We talked and even laughed, as I pretended that the next day would never come. But just like that - it did . . .

“I will strengthen you, . . . Surely I will help you.”

I waited until my mom finished her breakfast, before I told her that we had to go someplace that day. I told her that her doctor needed to monitor her diabetes, and that we needed to go to the nursing home. Her face started to crumble, and the tears streamed down her cheeks. “Why?” she kept asking. “I’m fine” she said. I tried to explain, but she couldn’t hear me. She headed for the living room, and sat in the chair with her eyes closed. I didn’t know what to do. “Please help me” I begged Ted. And so he said he would drive with me that morning. I tried to get mom to get dressed, but she ignored me. I then tried to pack some of her clothes. As I did, she came into the room and unpacked them. And so, I finally said we needed to leave. With tears in her eyes, she headed to the car. As she looked at me she said: “I should never have come to visit you!” and then she turned and got into the car. Ted drove, as I sat in the back seat with tears streaming down my face. Mom had closed her eyes again, and so I just sat there - wondering if I was even doing the right thing. I knew mom’s condition was pretty bad, “but what if” kept rolling around in my head . . .

“Surely I will help you . . . ”

How my mom saw that tree that day, I guess I will never know. But she did! Her hand slowly raised up, and she pointed right at it. She didn’t say a word, but she saw it! That strong, tall tree was right there - as we drove mom to her brand new home.

For Thou art my rock and my fortress. Rescue me, O my God, . . .
For Thou art my hope; O Lord God, . . .
By Thee I have been sustained . . .

Just like that tree - the Lord has been with me through so much this past year. Not only has He been with me, but He’s been with my mom and dad as well. He was there when we made a promise to keep my mom and dad together. He was there each time we wondered what to do next. And He was there when I told my mom that she would be alright. Truthfully, my mom is alright ! She is right where she needs to be - - - and she is happy!

Do I have sadness and grief? Yes, I do. It hurts to see my mom growing younger, and further away from all of us. It even hurts to wonder if I might have this terrible disease as well. But those are things I can’t change. The one thing I can do - is give each day, and each worry - to Him. Each day, I ask God to be with me as I visit my mom. I ask Him to take care of me - and my family. And each day, I thank Him for always being there - through everything . . .

It is my hope, and my prayer, that you too will ask God to “be” with you - each and every day. His strength and guidance are right there to help you - as you travel this road we call “Life”. Even when we have no idea what to do next, His hand is waiting - - - to lead us . . .

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope - by the power of the Holy Spirit.
(Romans 15: 13)

God bless you and keep you - until we meet back here again!

In His Perfect Love,
Debbie & Ted Ayers