Saturday, June 25, 2005

Weekly Word for June 24 - July 1, 2005

Weekly Word - June 24, 2005

Blessed be the Lord. Because He has heard the voice of my supplication. The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him . . .
(Psalm 28: 6 & 7a)

As we laid in bed the other night, Ted was telling me about his day. He had been working very long hours in terrible heat, and I knew that his days had been very difficult. Because I had hurt my back again, I wasn’t able to work - and so Ted had been working more. As he talked, I listened to him tell me about all that he had been fixing, all the jobs that he had worked on that day. And then he said: “but I also had time to drive from store to store - and so I had time to talk to the Lord.” With a look of wonderment on his face, he said: “I could feel Him, he was right there with me - and I told Him that I was sorry, but I have missed Him . . .”

My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him.
(Psalm 28: 7)

“I miss Him” - As Ted said those words, I felt so many emotions. We had been praying together since before we were married. There had been times when God’s presence filled the room and we knew that we had touched heaven. But lately, our prayer time had been more difficult. My back and arm hurt all the time, and so when we prayed it was hard to stop thinking about the pain. Ted found himself trying to be careful not to hold my arm or back too tightly, so that he wouldn’t make it hurt worse. Praying together had become awkward and difficult - and God’s presence seemed quite far away.

After we finished talking that night, I thought about what Ted had said. So many emotions were running around in me - sadness, hurt, anger, even jealousy was there! Why had this injury happened - why me? Hadn’t I suffered enough hurt in my life? I felt so alone, even as Ted slept by my side. We had argued and fought the day before, and I had found myself yelling at him - when all I wanted to do was have him hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright.

I was even angry that we were fighting, as we had so little time together to begin with. Ted just let me fume and sputter, and waited. Finally, after I went in and laid down on the bed, he came in - kneeling down on the floor beside the bed, he took my hand in his. “What?“ I asked - but he just waited. It was as if he knew that the fight wasn’t really with him - but with myself. “I miss you - - - I need you . . .I need you to want me - to need me” came tumbling out between sobs. Ted loved me, I had no doubt about that. But this was a need from deep inside - - - down to the very soul of my being . . . .

Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him - for the help of His presence.
(Psalm 42: 5)

Both of her parents were ministers, and always seemed too busy for their little girl. Her father preached - and his loud voice and angry countenance made the little girl want to stay far, far away from him. Her mother, with her sweet voice and pretty smile, was always kissing her goodbye - as she headed off again to classes or whatever meeting she needed to go next. She never heard her little girl, as she cried herself to sleep. She had a big sister, who she wanted to be just like. She was loud and full of energy, and the little one could never keep up. So the little one was forgotten, as she sat in her room - dreaming of the one - who would love only her . . .

I met her when she was just 16 years old. She was about to have a child, a son of her own. She loved his daddy, and it didn’t matter that he did drugs or was in trouble with the law. She loved him. When she gave birth to their son, John (not his real name) was right there by her side. Even though he was drunk, she didn’t care - he was there! On the day he disappeared, she thought she would die - as she rocked her baby boy - and cried . . .

O My God, my soul is in despair within me;
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Thy waterfalls;
All Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me . . .
(Psalm 42: 6 & 7)

She never forgot him. But her life still went on. And soon another came into her life. She found a boy who she thought her heart could love - and he soon became “daddy” to her son. She gave him her home - she gave him her son - but her heart still belonged to John. He was the boy she had dreamt of as a child - - - and only he could heal her broken heart - and the pain that went down to her very soul . . .

As the deer pants for the water . . . So my soul pants for Thee, O God.
My soul thirsts for God; for the living God;
(Psalm 42: 1)

So many wounds - so much heartache - the pain goes deep into the soul . . .

These things I remember, and I pour out my soul within me. Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, . . .
(Psalm 42: 4 & 5)

As I sat waiting for my physical therapist, I thought about the last few days. Maybe I was complaining too much - there certainly were people with worse injuries than mine! I knew that Ted loved me and we had so many wonderful things in our lives - why was I so emotional? When the girl called me in, I hoped that she could help me feel better . . .

She listened, as I told her about the last few days - and the pain that I had been feeling. She had me lay down on the table, and quietly she asked a few questions. As she worked my muscles, I could feel the tension in my neck and arm. She was only gently working them - but my arm was starting to shake. “Are you willing to let the feelings come?” she asked. I didn’t know if I wanted to - but decided that something needed to change.

The tears were right there, and I wondered why I was crying. “I can’t pick up the grandbabies - I can’t do so much right now” and I continued to cry. “I feel so useless” and I knew that I was telling the truth. I hated how I felt right now! She continued to gently work the muscles - and I continued to talk. We talked about my life - about the times when things hurt - and the time quickly slipped by. When she helped me to sit up - I felt so much better. “Sometimes touch and pain can trigger old wounds” she said - and I looked at her and laughed. I had told so many doctors that same message - and they always had looked at me as if I was crazy! This woman knew! She knew about me - she knew about people who had been wounded through their lives - she knew!

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
(Psalm 34:18)

It took years for my friend to finally open her heart - and find healing. Over that time, she and her son went through a lot. There were men who came and went - babies lost - and hearts broken again. But God knew all about her hurts and pain - and He was waiting. She is now married, and she and her husband have given her son a baby sister. Is she totally healed of everything? Probably not - but God knows when the time is right - and she is ready.

The Lord opens the eyes of the blind; The Lord raises up those who are bowed down; The Lord loves the righteous.
(Psalm 146: 8)

Lately, I have been in pain - and it felt as if God was very far away from me. I couldn’t feel Him - I couldn’t feel much of anything - except pain! But God is with me - and He knows how to heal me. In my pain - I didn’t even feel loved! But I am! And that love is bringing healing to where I was hurt. Am I totally healed of everything? Probably not! But God knows when it is time - and when I am ready.

“For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for calamity - to give you a future and a hope.”
(Jeremiah 29: 11)

Is my life going the way I planned it to go? No! But Ted and I are on this road before us. It is constantly changing - but the Love is always there! It is going to be an amazing journey!

Are you willing? Will you allow the Lord to be part of your life - coming into your heart and bringing healing where you have been wounded. Are you willing to let the feelings come? He is waiting - just for you . . .

The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love, Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.”
(Jeremiah 31:3)

God bless you in the coming week ahead!

In His Love,
Debbie & Ted Ayers


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