Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Weekly Word for October 7, 2015

Weekly Word for 
October 7, 2015

Where can I go from Thy Spirit?
Or where can I flee form Thy presence?
If I ascend to heaven, Thou art there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, Thou art there.
If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there - Thy hand will lead me.
(Psalm 139: 7 - 9)

Ted had just left for work.  As I headed back into the house from waving goodbye, the rain seemed to pick up in intensity.  I headed into my kitchen to clean up from breakfast.  As I started to wash the dishes, I found myself watching out my kitchen window.  It was pouring out, and the few plants that were still growing in our garden seemed to be struggling to keep from blowing away.  The birdfeeders were empty, as the birds were riding out the storm deep inside the trees.  It was not a nice day to be outside!  I was so thankful to be in my warm little house.  I have to admit, I love my “home“!  As I continued to clean up the kitchen, thinking about all the wonderful moments Ted and I have shared in there, a memory seems to push it’s way to the surface.  As I let myself drift back, I see myself working in a very different kitchen - one that feels unlike any that I have been in before . . .

If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there - Thy hand will lead me.
And Thy right hand will lay hold of me. 
If I say, “Surely darkness will overwhelm me,” . . . 
Even the darkness is not dark to Thee.
(Psalm 139: 9 - 12)

I am working in a bright kitchen, with yellow wallpaper and brown wooden cupboards.  I am making food, chopping vegetables and peeling potatoes.  As I work, I seem to be concentrating on just the task before me.  So it is a surprise when I realize that I am not alone.  I look through an archway, into a very dark room.  As I look, I see a young girl with long dark hair, sitting on a couch.  Her feet are barely past the cushions, and she is just sitting quietly in the room.  As I watch her, she turns to look at me.  She has big brown eyes that seem to reach right into my very soul.  She looks so lost, and so afraid.  As I stand there, I want to help her, to grab her and hold her close.  But just as I start to think these things, I start to wake up.  It is a dream that leaves me shaken, and wondering - all at the same time.  “Lord, what does it mean?” I wondered.  As I told the dream to Ted, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the little girl was my mom.  She had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and we had just moved her into a nursing home.  She was confused about a lot of things, but she still knew who she was - and who her children were.  At the time, the dream made me wonder what lay ahead -  for my mom - as well as for me . . .

If I say, “Surely darkness will overwhelm me,” . . . 
Even the darkness is not dark to Thee.
And the night is as bright as the day.

It has been six years since my mom went to live in the nursing home.  There were many good reasons why she needed to live there.  But those reasons didn’t make it any easier to explain to her why she was there.  Six years ago, mom realized where she was, and she didn’t want to be there!  But her disease was further along than she could possibly understand.  Now, all these years later, time has taken away any understanding she has of her life before the disease. She has no knowledge of being a mom or grandmother.  She doesn’t understand who she is, or even simple directions, puzzles, or games.  But even so, she is usually happy to see me.  She is like a little child, laughing at things that even I don’t understand.  Most days she gives hugs and kisses - and usually I am glad that I have visited with her.  But the moments where she is totally lost - those are the moments that break my heart!  

O Lord, Thou hast searched me and known me.
Thou dost know when I sit down and when I rise up; 
Thou dost understand . . . 
Behold, O Lord, Thou dost know it all.
(Psalm 139: 1,2, & 4)

The other day I went up to visit with mom.  I was surprised by the Head of Activities.  He had some pictures of mom from when she was a nurse at the old nursing home.  He handed me the pictures, and I just smiled at the young woman who was so full of joy in those pictures.  Mom had dark hair and was wearing her white nursing uniform and white nurse’s hat.  Her eyes were sparkling as she smiled at the other nurses in the picture.  She looked so young, and so happy!  This was the mom that I remember from growing up and when I was first married.  She just loved parties, and celebrations - and life!

So as I went up the elevator to mom’s floor, I kept thinking about the young woman who was in that picture.  I guess I was wondering if there was any way to see her again.  But reality set in as soon as I spoke with her nurse.  The morning had been rough for both mom and the aids who were trying to take care of her.  As I walked into the activities room, I wondered if mom would even smile at me this day.  As I looked at her, she seemed so lost . . .

Thou dost understand . . . 
Behold, O Lord, Thou dost know it all.

I must have been about 4 years old when my mother took me on the bus.  We were heading into “the city”, as my mom would say.  I don’t know if we had an appointment or were going shopping, but it was just me and my mom that day.  I remember we were standing waiting outside of the “newsroom” (which was not only the place that carried the newspapers, but also where everyone stopped in to find out what was happening in town).   As the bus drew up to the curb, mom held tightly to my hand as we got on the bus.  I sat down next to her, so excited and a little afraid, as we headed toward the city of Worcester.  I remember looking around at the other people on the bus, wondering who they were.  And then I looked up at my mom.  She looked so pretty, especially when she smiled down at me.

When we got off the bus in Worcester, I remember thinking that there were too many people - all walking too fast!  We must have been late to wherever we were going, because my mother started walking just as fast!  I tried to keep up with her, running sometimes - as buildings and people seemed to be rushing past us!   Soon, my legs were hurting and I tried to tell my mother that.  But she didn’t seem able to hear me.  That’s when I stopped. Right in the middle of all the people, I stopped walking!  I stood there, looking at all the big buildings and people everywhere, and thought my mom would be standing right next to me.  I wanted to tell her to walk slower!  But when I looked up at her, she wasn’t there!   “Mommy!” I screamed, crying as I turned around, looking for her.  I don’t know where she came from, but all of a sudden, she was standing in front of me.  I started sobbing and shaking, as she picked me up and held me.  She told me that everything would be all right, and she wiped my tears with her handkerchief.  Then we started to walk again.  This time she held my hand as we walked to where we were going.

I honestly don’t remember the rest of that day.  But I do remember how afraid I was when I was lost!  It terrified me!  And then I remember being so happy when my mother found me, holding me in her arms, and taking all my fear away . . .

If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Thy hand will lead me.  
And They right hand will lay hold of me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,”
. . . Even the darkness is not dark to Thee.

I was thinking about my mom the other day.  I thought about how lost she is every single day.  That’s when I remembered the story of taking the bus with her, all those years ago.  I wish I could tell her that everything is going to be alright, just like she told me that day.  But I just don’t know how to do that.

Then yesterday I drove north - heading to see my mom.  The rain had stopped, and the skies were blue with wisps of clouds in them.  The trees were just starting to turn colors.  It was all so pretty!  As I drove, I started to talk to God.  I wanted to take my mom outside to see all the pretty trees.  I wanted her to feel the cool breeze on her skin, and enjoy the colors that were all around.  I asked Him to help me.  “I want to give her a good day Lord”.  “I want to help her to feel You, to smile and see how beautiful it is”.  I wasn’t sure that I could actually take her outside, but I was going to try.

When I got to the nursing home, I found out that mom was still in a wheelchair.  She had fallen a few days earlier, and so they had started using it.  I knew that walking would keep her muscles and body in better shape, but truthfully - the wheelchair would make it easier for me to take her outside!  Mom wasn’t always stable when she walked.  In fact, her walking made me nervous, and I wasn’t confident that I could keep her from falling.  So I hadn’t taken mom outside in over 6 months.  But in that wheelchair, I could bring her outside.

I bundled mom up in her warm coat, and we headed outside.  I pushed her through the parking lot and on to the sidewalk.  We headed for one of my favorite places to take her.  There was a beautiful home down the street, with huge trees and gardens all behind the house.  As we turned up the street next to the house, I pushed mom right up to the gardens.  “See the pretty flowers mom?”  I asked her.  At first she just looked so confused.  Then she saw them.  She put out her hand and gently touched one.  She looked up at me with a smile on her face.  “So pretty” she said.  I slowly pushed her near the flowers and along the walkway.    She kept pointing out the colors she saw - on flowers, trees, and even cars.  They all captured her attention, and brought such excitement to her face.  I wanted to stay there with her - in that moment - forever.  But she started to get cold, and so I wheeled her back in to the nursing home.  As I said goodbye to mom, I gave her a hug and told her I loved her.  She pulled my face close and kissed me, “I love you” she said.  As I left her, it felt like the day had been a gift of time - and I wanted to remember it for both of us . . .

O Lord, Thou hast searched me and known me.
Thou has enclosed me behind and before, 
And laid Thy hand upon me. 

My mom is losing the battle to Alzheimer’s.  It is a deadly disease, and will someday take her life.  Watching her go through this has been a struggle.  I am never ready for the changes that she has gone through along the way.  She has become like a small child in the way she reacts to people and things around her.  She needs help to get dressed, and pretty much do everything that we as adults take for granted.  But as she has become this childlike person, I have realized that the little girl in my dream is still inside of her.  I know that God is there with her.  He is holding her close, and comforting her.  And someday, He will take her hand and walk her to the other side . . .

I will give Thee thanks with all my heart;
I will sing praises to Thee before the gods.
On the day I called Thou didst answer me; . . . 

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, Thou wilt revive me;
Thou wilt stretch forth Thy hand . . . 
And Thy right hand will save me.
Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting;
(Psalm 138: 1,3, 7, & 8)

We live in an imperfect world, with imperfect bodies.  Each one of us will go through loss and hardship.  There are diseases and accidents that we aren’t able to stop from happening.  But what we are able to do - - - is ask God to be with us - through everything we face in this life.

My mother has a terrible disease.  But each week she goes to church services, and during the songs, she sings about the Lord - remembering each word.  I know that she loves God, and that He is with her through all of this.  I don’t know how I would get through this and any of the hard times I have faced - if I didn’t have the Lord right with me, holding me and comforting me.  His hand has held tight, when I have felt so lost!

Thou wilt stretch forth Thy hand . . . 
And Thy right hand will save me.
Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting;

How will you get through the troubles and hard times that come with living life?  It is my hope and prayer that you will ask God to walk with you along this path.  When you do - there is joy and love - even in the midst of the hardest of times.

God bless you and keep you - until we meet back here again.

In His Amazing Love,

Debbie & Ted Ayers


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5:58 AM  
Blogger مركز الاختيار للطب النفسي said...

شركة تنظيف منازل بتبوك تعتبر من افضل شركات تنظيف المنازل في تبوك والتي تقد بخصم 30% للعملاء في تبوك حيث أن شركة تنظيف بتبوك تقدم لكم الكثير من خدمات النظافة سواء أكانت شركة تنظيف فلل بتبوك أو شركة تنظيف شقق بتبوك كما أن شركة نظافة بيوت وعمائر بتبوك متخصصة بالعمل علي تنظيف أي مبنى مهما كانت مساحته تنظيف شامل باسعار مميزة ورخيصة
تقوم شركة تنظيف منازل بتبوك بالعمل علي تقديم خدمات تنظيف المنازل وخدمات تنظيف الفلل وخدمات تنظيف الشقق بطرق وأساليب متميزة فهي شركة متميزة في تقديم جميع خدمات النظافة بالمنازل والشقق والفلل ومن تلك الخدمات التي تعمل الشركة علي تقديمها لكم ما يلي
تقوم شركة تنظيف منازل بتبوك بالقيام بتنظيف المكان سواء كان المنزل فاضي ( جديد قبل الفرش والسكن ) او كان المنزل مفروش ومسكون
كما أن شركة تنظيف شقق بتبوك تقوم بترتيب العمل بين افراد طاقم التنظيف فمنهم من هو مختص بتنظيف وتلميع الشبابيك ومنهم من هو متخصص بالحمامات والمطبخ والباقي متخصص في الأرضيات
هذا بالإضافة إلي كون شركة تنظيف بتبوك تعمل علي استخدام المنظفات المتميزة والمضمونة في أداء عملية النظافة
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الصقر كلين للخدمات المنزلية

9:07 AM  

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